Here are 3 tips to save your marriage and keep intimacy alive:
- Schedule sex. It doesn't sound very romantic especially when you remember the days before the kids when you had no responsibilities and had spontaneous sex with your spouse all the time, but sometimes this is necessary. Scheduling sex can actually be fun. Setting the expectation that everyday (or however often you want) you will have time alone with your spouse is an exciting thought. Don't get me wrong, I love family time, but sometimes I want my husband all to myself. And honestly, as spontaneous as sex was for us before David was born, it was always in a sense scheduled. We didn't have a set time or anything, but it was definitely always expected. We never wondered if we would have sex that day, we knew we would. The only real question was when, where, and how many times.
- Make it fun. Sex is fun. I talk to a lot of women who almost view it as a chore. Sure, there are some days when I just want to sleep too, but once we start kissing I remember that I married the sexiest man alive and I forget all that. If that doesn't work for you, take a trip to Spencer's at the mall or your local lingerie store and pick up games, lingerie, etc to spice things up.
- Keep track and do it often. I use an app on my phone to keep track of how often we do it. I know it sounds silly, but awareness is key. In the past we would have DAYS pass without even realizing that we hadn't had any time together. It is really easy to lose track of time unless you're keeping track. Keeping count has actually clued us in to various trends in our relationship as well. We tend to fight more on the days we aren't intimate. Also, the more often we are intimate the more we tend to want that intimacy if that makes sense. Having sex more often increases our desire for it. When we get in a no sex rut, it's because we took like a day off and forgot how much we enjoy it which made it easier to pass up the next day. BUT when we are consistent (because we are keeping track) it becomes extremely difficult to pass up.
Alright, so what happens when you're just not in the mood or too busy.
- He becomes numb and pretends he doesn't need it.
- He keeps at it, and asks over and over even though you always say no, eventually losing respect for himself
- He goes elsewhere
Me mentioning #3 does not mean I excuse cheating in any way, but it happens. Everyone views this differently; I personally think that if someone cheats it is no ones fault but their own and I have zero tolerance for it. But anyway, back on topic.. He chose you and seeks validation from you and rejection is hard. Now, I'm not saying that every time he wants it you need to give in, but understanding how to say no in a positive way that won't hurt his self esteem is key. He needs to know that you are not saying no because you no longer desire him sexually, but rather that you are saying no at this specific time for this specific reason.
You can communicate this in a playful way by suggesting that you will be interested in being intimate later on. For example try something like "listen, I'm really busy with work right now, but I'm gonna come and jump you as soon as I get this done, okay?" or "I'm really not feeling good at the moment, but you better be ready for me the minute I feel better."
A lot of times when we say we're busy or tired it comes off like a brush off even if it is true. He needs to know you're attracted to him, so give him a long, romantic kiss and get back to work! lol This works for both sexes. Men aren't the only ones who get rejected. If my husband says he's tired once or twice, I don't read into it, but if it becomes a trend I start to wonder why. If nothing's going on that you two need to talk about, then don't make them wonder. Give them the validation they need with a nice compliment or kiss. Good luck!